Poem

[icharianchem]

measuring time
in blistered cigarette ends
and used condoms
tubes of chapstick
and dropped pastimes
bouncing off sagging tenements
tripping twords the El
brain bared
eyes sewn shut
sidelined pavement
a mirthless kaleidoscope
of glass and fluid
cracked and reflecting my dissent
drunken angels carousing,
staggering across the skyline
dripping from the wall to the floor
and
the headbone's connected to the cockpit
singing songs for Molech
insisting on
the difference between You and i
All i hear are echoes
a whirlwind of etched glass
and steel rushes past
plexiglass scratchies like
veins in the arm
frozen twigs under ice
as another cigarette is
extinguished
naturally
on the charred ends of
my cracked fingertips



wrote this when i was homeless in Philadelphia @ the ripe ol age of 17
comments?

[icharianchem]

seriously no one has any feedback on this? criticism? anything?

[odin_dax]

seriously no one has any feedback on this? criticism? anything?

I'll review it later. I like to soak in and let settle artistic works.

[Mr.A]

This is kind of nice. Your use of vocabulary is very good, but your punctuation needs work. I was forced to read this as one huge long sentence and it probably ruined the poem for me.

My critic: Nice but still incomplete. Finish it.:deal:

Thanks for posting!

[icharianchem]

read those as breaks in the meter, actual punctuation fucks it up

[Antagonist]

The problem is we don't necessarily know how its supposed to be read. Its got good content, but I'm sure it could be refined to flow better.

Not bad though, good style, original, unique. Abstract is often a hard style to pull off. If you don't already, you need to listen to "Aesop Rock" either get labor days or none shall pass.

[REL0AD]

I like it.