Bare the Burden

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

I slowly crept around the corner just enough to see into the room.
My prior thoughts were confirmed it was "him".
How could she, after five years of being together?
Was I not good enough, or is she just a fucking whore?
To make it worse it was with him, the one friend I trust with my life.

Those fuckers! I started to inch into the room I knew what I was gonna do.
They'll have to pay.
That whore and Benedict Arnold wouldn't have heard me even if I had given them a warning shot.

With every moan my anger grew. I stood there with one tear in my eye.
I decided I would wait,wait for them to finish.
I wanted them to see me.
I needed to see the fear in their eyes, as they stare at me, their unmerciful angel of death.

They started to orgasm. The thought of how she would clench my hair as she climaxed sent a tear down my face.The anger, the hate, the pain it was unbearable. It felt as if there was an empty black hole where my heart once was.
It was too much.

I saw his head move foward, they were about to kiss.
I cocked the revolver.
I could hear their lips touch.
I aimed the gun.
They started to get more passionate.
I pulled the trigger.
My body fell to the floor, they were left to bear the burdern.

[crazy white guy]

Gay.


Just kidding. I liked it. It was a bit too cut and press for poetry or story telling. Its better to infer that something is happening rather than explain that it is happening.

"Its hard not to acknowledge the click of the cylinder locking. The hammer was primed and ready to fall upon the deadly end. I knew this to be right. I allowed that weapon to complete it's bitter goal. It wanted the same as me, to take the empty hole inside of me and make a bigger one inside of him."

Instead of...

"I cocked the revolver."

and...

"I pulled the trigger."

But you have the outline of a damn good short story. =) I always choose to write psycho-analytic stories. Ones where 30 seconds of action are summarized over 20 pages. It really gets you into the emotion and conflict.

[Paranoid Ecstasy]

I saw his head move foward, they were about to kiss.
I cocked the revolver.
I could hear their lips touch.
I aimed the gun.
They started to get more passionate.
I pulled the trigger.
My body fell to the floor, they were left to bear the burdern.

This was to create drama and some suspense then quickly twist.

I know the whole thing isn't to good, I wrote it two years ago when I was majorly depressed.